Not Like This
by DetectiveObsessed
Summary: Rollins' life falls apart after she is brutally attacked. It's up to Fin to help her put it back together. Just as thing's start to look up, SVU is thrown in to over drive as the attacker is doing everything in his power to finish off Amanda.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter one. This is my first fanfic! I hope everyone likes it! Please leave reviews and any advice. I apologize in advance for any errors with with publishing new chapters and etc. as I am new to the website. Thanks! I don't own any of the characters they're all Dick Wolf's!

Amanda stood in the cold city air as she waited for her old Ford pickup to finish filling up. The pump beeped and she quickly pulled the nozzle out of her truck. The next thing she knew was an elbow in her stomach and her body hitting the cold pavement. She struggled to lift herself on all fours and catch her breath. She felt her stomach sink when she saw who was attacking her. She heard the man talk but it sounded like another language. Another man grabbed her under her arms and yanked her to her feet. Just when she has gathered herself she felt another cruel blow to her stomach. She whimpered loudly as she fell to the ground. A man roughly grabbed her by the chin. "You're in debt to the wrong guy sweetheart. I hope you're not dumb enough to talk to your captain." She heard the man say.

"If you do, you won't see us coming. You'll just be gone. Understand?" Another man said. Amanda tried with everything she had in her to nod but she just couldn't find the strength. The man stared at her blankly. "Alright, you're coming with us." He sighed.

"W-w-where?" She trembled. The man didn't reply. He just pulled her up and dragged her to his car. She managed to catch a quick glance before she was shoved face down in the trunk. It was a small gold GMC. She felt the car shake as he started the engine and sped off. There were so many things running through her head she didn't even notice the steady stream of tears running down her bright red cheeks or how much pain she was in. All that was clear was that she had to do something quick. She pushed up on the hood of the trunk with everything she had but nothing happened. She tried screaming, but no one heard her. She was helpless.

After what felt like hours she felt the car come to an abrupt stop. She heard footsteps and the trunk flew open. "Get up." The man commanded.

Amanda slowly got out of the trunk and was thrown to the ground by a punch in the stomach. She fell in the snow and started to cry even harder when she realized what was about to happen. She screamed as the man began to unzip her coat. The cold air hit her like a stack of bricks. All she could see was a dark empty road surrounded by snow covered trees and lined by a snow bank. The man was now wearing a ski mask and the other man was nowhere in sight. She whimpered a little as the man undid her jeans and ripped off her sweater. He managed to get her underwear off and began raping her. The feeling of him on top of her was disgusting but there was nothing she could do. No one could hear her screams and she had lost feeling in most of her body from the cold so she couldn't fight him off.

She was on the verge of losing consciousness when he had finished. He pulled out a knife and pressed it in her stomach. She screamed out in pain.

"Shut up bitch!" He commanded. He stood up and kicked her in the ribs, hard. Amanda thought she felt some of them snap. He beat her for what felt like a lifetime. When he finally got in his car and sped off Amanda was barley clinging to life. She was conscious but could not move and hardly could breath. She knew that the chances of her surviving were slim. No one would know she was here. She didn't have enough of a reputation at the precinct for any of the detectives to have reason to believe something was wrong when she didn't show up for work. All she could do was lay there in the snow and bleed.


	2. It's gonna be okay

**Chapter two! Thanks to everyone who has reviewed, faved, and followed!**** Once again, I own nothing.**

Back at the precinct, everyone was beginning to trickle in for work that day. First Benson at about 7:30, then Munch, then Finn. By about 8:15 everyone had shown up except for Detective Rollins. No one really thought anything of her absence; they all assumed the rookie detective must have woken up late.

At about ten o'clock it was Olivia who finally said something. "Hey Finn! Where's that partner of yours?"

"I don't know, Liv. If she doesn't show within the hour I think I may swing by her apartment and see what's going on." He said with a tad bit of concern in his voice.

"Eh, I think she's fine. When I was starting out I couldn't show up on time to save my life!" Olivia laughed.

"Ha-ha me neither. I just want to be sure" Finn said. Before he had met Amanda he promised himself he wouldn't let his new partner get hurt. He wasn't the type to break promises.

Right at eleven o'clock Finn got up from his desk and went out to see if Amanda was okay. Liv looked up at him, "You leaving?"

"Yeah, I just want to make sure everything is alright. You want to come?" He replied.

"Sure." she said, desperate for a way to put off doing all of that darn paperwork. They both agreed that it would be easier just to walk to her apartment rather than try to fight all of the traffic. As soon as they reached the old, warn down apartment building Finn noticed that her truck wasn't in the parking lot.

"We must've just missed her!" Olivia exclaimed.

"Let's go up to her apartment just to be safe" Finn said with caution in his voice. They walked up the three flights of stairs to her floor and knocked on the door, no answer. He tried again, no answer. Right as they were turning to leave Finn's cell phone went off.

"What's up Captain?"

"Amanda's truck was just found abandoned as the Speed Way two blocks from her building. I'll send a squad car out to pick you two up now." Craigen reported.

"It's okay Captain we're right there anyway." Finn glanced at Olivia as he shut the phone to see if she had heard the conversation. She nodded and they both took off running toward the gas station. Finn had a sinking feeling that something was very wrong. They arrived and saw Amanda's truck sitting in front of a gas pump. An officer walked up to them, "No sign of her. But, we did recover her phone. The screen is cracked, so it must've fallen when she was attacked."

"Attacked?" Finn questioned. This couldn't be happening. He couldn't have let his partner get hurt, not again.

"We have reason to believe Detective Rollins had been kidnapped and is in serious danger" the officer informed them.

'_No no no no'_

"Okay. Get all available men to search for leads on the street just in case someone saw something." Olivia ordered the officer. Her and Finn got in a squad car and decided to drive around back roads to search for any sign of her.

"Finn," Olivia was interrupted.

"I can't believe this is happening. We have to find her. I can't let anything happen to her." Finn said. His eyes were beginning to glaze with tears.

"It's okay Finn," Olivia comforted, "we'll find her."

"Wait Liv, stop here." He thought he had seen something moving in the snow bank. He got out of the car and ran to where he had seen the motion. He wasn't prepared for what he saw. There was his partner, laying in the snow wearing nothing but a bra and underwear, barley clinging to life. She was beaten, crying, and bleeding. He yelled at Liv to bring a blanket. Once she had given it to him he put it around Amanda and held her in his arms.

"Its okay baby, we're going to get you to a hospital. You're going to be okay." He comforted while Liv was calling a bus. Amanda sunk into his embrace and continued to sob. She was in an indescribable amount of pain and so bitterly cold. She whimpered as Finn opened the blanket a bit to asses her stab wound. He wrapped the blanket back around her to shield her from the cold and applied just enough pressure to slow the bleeding.

After what felt like hours they finally heard sirens coming. A paramedic walked up to them and ripped the blanket off of her. "Hey!" Finn exclaimed, his voice filled with anger.

The man ignored him. He yelled something in what sounded like gibberish to the other paramedics and they brought over a stretcher. They slowly lifted her into the bus. "I'm riding along." Finn declared.

"No, we need to asses her injuries before anyone can see her." The man said. Finn's heart broke as he heard her crying from the ambulance. He jumped in the car with Olivia and followed the bus to the hospital.


	3. You're in the hospital

**OKay... NEW CHAPTER! (: sorry it took so long. I've been busy with the new school year and such. Thanks for the reviews! Keep them coming, I may update faster (; This chapter kinda of starts heading in the Amanda/Nick direction but I promise there will be more evolving relationships with Amanda/Fin and Amanda/Olivia. Stay tunned! **

**I don't own anyone. (Wish I did.)**

The hospital waiting room was empty except for Finn, Olivia, and Nick. They all were waiting nervously for any news from the doctor. She had only been in surgery for an hour but to them it has felt like a day and a half.

"I can't believe this. She has to be okay, she HAS to." Finn mumbled under his breath, probably hoping no one would hear.

"She's strong Finn." Olivia commented. It was true; Amanda was one of the strongest cops they knew.

Nick was sitting across from Olivia with his head resting in his hands. He couldn't even bring himself to say anything. He wasn't Amanda's partner, but he always felt just as close, if not, closer to her than Finn. He always admired her dedication and eagerness for the job. She was a sharp cop, not willing to take any crap from anyone, but, off duty she was completely different. She was a sweet, loving, fun, and an all-around great person to spend time with. They had spent some time together. They leaned on each other, being the two "new kids". Nick desperately held on to those moments where their hands accidently touched, or they made eye contact and held it for a little longer than what may be considered normal. He knew nothing would ever happen between them, but he still cared about her with all his heart. The fact that she was in surgery and he didn't know whether she would come out alive or not was excruciating.

A doctor walked up to them, "Are you three with Amanda Rollins?" They nodded in unison.

"She's out of surgery. The knife didn't cause any major damage and the cold seemed to slow down blood loss. She has a pretty bad case of hypothermia, but it's nothing that can't be treated. She understandably is shaken up. I can let one of you in now, but don't try to question her about the rape. She just needs to be comforted now."

All Amanda could see when she opened her eyes was light. She was extremely confused. She didn't know where she was or why her- her everything hurt so badly. It wasn't before she heard a familiar voice that she started to realize what was going on. It was a voice that she loved hearing and knew would never even try to hurt her. But this time, the voice was filled with concern, and fear.

Nick let out a heavy sigh as he opened the door and saw Amanda for the first time. She lay there in her bed, staring off into space in some sort of trance. Her eyes were consumed by fear and confusion.

"Amanda?" He said as quietly as he could while still speaking.

She winced a little as she turned to look at him. "Hi" was all she could manage.

Nick could see she was already on the verge of tears. He pulled a chair up next to her bed and gently held her hand. "How you feeling?" He asked, his voice filled with concern.

"I- I don't….." She sighed. She couldn't bring herself to make eye contact with him. She hated that she was so helpless. "What happened?" Was all she could manage to say.

Nick sighed and gently squeezed her hand. "Um, you're in the hospital. You're a little beat up and they are treating you for hypothermia."

"What happened?" Amanda interrupted, this time asking more urgently.

"You- you were kidnapped…. And raped." Nick finally brought himself to say it. He couldn't bear seeing the look on her face. Her eyes glazed over are her heart monitor began to race. He could see that she was trying with everything in her not to burst into tears. "Amanda, it's okay. It's okay to cry." He said as her pulled her into a warm embrace.

She broke down into jerky sobs in his arms. She was in so much pain, and now, the memory of being brutally raped was flooding back into her mind. She knew that she was eventually going to have to tell them that she knew who raped her and why he did. She knew that it was her fault she couldn't control her gambling issues and this wouldn't have happened if she could. But, right now all she could do was cry.

Nick slowly rubbed comforting circles on her back. He absolutely hated seeing her like this, so broken and helpless. When he felt her sobs turn into hiccups, he gently laid her back down on her bed. Where her face wasn't stained with bruises it was pale white and she was shaking uncontrollably. Nick spotted a blanket and the other side of the room and wrapped it around her.

She looked up at him, and for the first time they made eye contact. Her eyes were filled with remorse and guilt. "Amanda." Nick went to touch her face but she flinched away. "Look at me."

She slowly raised her eyes to his.

"Don't you dare blame yourself for this. You hear me?" His voice was strong and from the look on her face he could tell he may have been a little too forceful. "Sweetie, none of this was your fault okay? No matter what you couldn't have prevented it." He tried again.

She looked at him; tears were now freely falling down her cheeks. "Y-you don't understand. I o- I owed him money. From gambling, I- I have a problem." She once again began sobbing in his arms.

Nick didn't know what to think. She had a gambling problem? He wasn't about to ask her now.


	4. I saw him!

**Here it is, CHAPTER FOUR!(: This one has a little more Finn/Amanda in it. Keep the reviews coming, even if you don't like it, I always want to know how to get better!(: Thanks for all of the support so far!**

Amanda had been lying alone in her hospital bed, consumed in flashbacks and fear, for about an hour. Nick stayed and held her for about an hour and a half but he eventually had to go to work. She knew that Finn, Cragen, and Olivia would be coming in soon to take her statement and she would have to tell them. She was dreading seeing to look on their faces when they realized how much she really had it coming.

She heard a knock on the door. "Come in." she said weakly. To her relief it was only Finn.

Finn walked with a heavy heart as he looked for her hospital room. He found it and knocked softly on the door. He could barely hear her give him permission to come in. He opened the door and saw her staring at him. She looked terrified, he didn't know of what, but I was heartbreaking to see her like that.

"Hey baby girl." He said softly as he slowly took a seat next to her and placed his hand and on hers.

"Hey." Amanda said weakly. Her eyes were already beginning to fill with tears from just thinking about what he would do when she told him.

"How you feeling?" He asked quietly. He could see her crystal blue eyes beginning to glaze over, so he placed a comforting hand on her shoulder opposite to him.

Amanda just simply shook her head and kept looking in his eyes. There was something comforting about his intense stare. She felt safe when she was looking into it, and that was something she hasn't felt in a while.

Finn groaned and squeezed her shoulder. "Sweet heart, I need you to try and tell me what happened to you." He knew this was asking a lot of a victim that was just raped, but he also knew how strong she was.

Amanda took in a deep breath and sat up. "Um… Finn? First, there's something you should know."

"Okay? What is it baby doll?"

"W-well, first, I guess, it was that guy from the precinct yesterday, Murphy." She shuddered. Finn simply nodded and let her continue.

"Finn, I-I owe him money, a lot of money. Uh, 20k to be exact. So he said this was his way of making me pay interest, w-while he was raping me." She had a pause to let out a series of staggered breaths. "Ever since I got in the city my gambling i-is out of control. S-so I g-guess I had it coming."

Finn just looked at her, staring deeply in her eyes. "You think you deserve this, don't you?" He gasped.

Amanda didn't say anything; she just shook violently and sobbed.

Finn shook his head and pulled her into his arms. "You couldn't have done anything to deserve this, Amanda. This isn't your fault." He whispered as he rubbed her back gently. He felt her shake her head against his chest and stroked her hair gently.

They sat like this until her sobs started to let up. Finn gently laid her back in bed and covered her with blankets. He watched her chest slowly move up and down as she took in breaths. She was so broken; it looked like if you touched her she would fall apart right in front of you. Her eyes were rimmed with red, stained with tears. She had a massive bruise on her forehead, not to mention the countless others on her body.

Why her? She was so innocent and helpless. He knew that she was beginning to fall apart in the city, and that she was homesick, but he never thought that this would happen. He just wanted to take all of this pain away from her. But he couldn't, all he could do was hold her in his arms while she broke down in violent sobs.

When her sobs started to ease, Finn propped her up with some pillows so they could talk a little more.

"When do you think they're going to let you go home?" Finn asked while gently stroking her cheek.

"I-I don't know, I don't know if I even want to go home. I'm not going to feel safe until they get him." She whimpered.

"They're looking for him now. And honey, if you ever don't feel safe, even if he is in jail, let me know and I'll be over as soon as I can." He assured her while still keeping his warm hand on her cheek. Amanda didn't reply, she just kept looking in his eyes.

"Will you ask them if I can go home tonight?" She asked, her voice still crackling.

"Of course, I'll be right back." Finn said as he stood up and walked out the door.

Finn walked out into the hallway and to the help desk. "Hi, I'm with Amanda Rollins, do you think it would be possible for her to be released today?"

"Well, I would really like to keep her tonight for observation, but if you are willing to stay with her tonight to make sure she doesn't have any panic attacks without help, I can allow it." The nurse reported.

Finn walked down the hallway back to Amanda's room when he heard a muffled scream. He ran into her room and saw her lying on her side with her knees held tightly to her chest. She was breathing fast and shallow, a waterfall of tears escaping her eyes.

"Amanda!" Finn ran to her side and placed his hands on her shoulders. "Sweetie calm down, you're okay, he's not here, and no one can hurt you."

Her breathing was panicked and wild. Her eyes were darting from one side of the room to the other. "H-he was here! I saw him! Finn, I know I saw him." She wailed.

"It's okay honey, you're safe. I'm not going to let anyone hurt you." Finn didn't know what to think. Was he actually here of was she just imagining things? He knew she hadn't slept for a while.

"Finn please, please believe me! I'm not making this up!" She screamed.

"Amanda calm down. Just try to breath. I believe you; I know you wouldn't make this up."

She began to settle down, letting herself, once again, fall into his arms.

"You can go home today honey. I'll stay with you." He mumbled to the top of her head.

"H-he knows where I live. He'll come to get me again." She cried.

"I'll be with you the whole time; no one's going to hurt you."


	5. Tell me what he did to you

**Here's another chapter! Sorry it's a little shorter. I'm having a bit of writers block. So please leave reviews on what you would like to happen! And tips and advice would be helpful! I love reviews, they make me write faster! :P WARNING: DETAILED DISCRIPTION OF RAPE**

Finn gently helped Amanda in to his car. "Do you want to get anything to eat?" he gently asked as they pulled out of the hospital parking lot.

"Finn I'm really not hungry." She replied. "I'm sorry!"

"It's okay sweetheart, you don't have to eat anything you don't want to." He comforted.

"Thanks." She mumbled.

They drove in silence until he pulled up to her building. "Finn you really don't have to stay here with me. I'm a big girl, I'll be okay." She sighed.

"I have to, doctor's orders." He simply replied.

He helped her up the 3 flights of stairs to her apartment. When she opened the door, he was taken aback by how neat and well decorated it was. "This is nice" he complimented.

"Thanks." She muttered. She quietly walked into her bedroom and shut the door to change. When she emerged she was wearing a giant white t-shirt and a pair of fleece pajama pants. She silently walked to the couch and sat next to Finn.

"Amanda, you know you're eventually going to have to tell me what happened to you." Fin said as calmly as he could. He was surprised when she actually started to tell the story.

"I was filling up my truck when I felt someone punch me in the stomach. I fell on the ground and another man grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me up. When I-I," she began to stutter "when I finally got up he punched me again. I fell, again and the man bent down and grabbed me by the chin. He told me that I was in debt to the wrong person and that if I told Cragen he would kill me. He asked me if I understood and I tried with everything the nod but I-I couldn't!" She began to sob.

Finn gently placed his hand on her shoulder. "It's okay Amanda, take your time."

She wanted to just say he raped her and end with that but, she knew that the only chance of catching him was if she told every little detail. "They dragged me into the trunk of his car and shut me in it. I tried with everything to get someone to notice or get out but I really couldn't! The car was a rusty, gold GMC. I think the drive was about 25 minutes. About five minutes after we stopped Murphy opened the trunk and pulled me out. He punched me in the stomach again and I fell, again. When I hit the ground he dragged me over to the snow bank. The-then," she paused and let out a heavy, tearful sigh. "He unzipped my coat and ripped off my sweater. Then he took off my jeans and underwear."

Finn sighed as he already knew what was coming. He knew she was about to fall apart so he gathered her in his arms. He was trying to hold back tears himself! He had heard countless stories like this, but they never affected him as much.

"How much do you need to know?" She shuttered

"As much as you can tell, everything helps." He replied, still holding her in his arms.

"Well, um, first he used his fingers, three. And he made me do oral. I couldn't finish though; it was getting hard to move from being covered in snow and ice. When I st-stopped he got mad and threw me in the snow again. He held a knife to my throat and raped me, twice, without a condom. I guess I was almost lucky that I was in the snow so I couldn't feel it. After he was done he assaulted me with his gun and bit m-my breasts. Then he st-stood up and started to kick me, 18 times in the ribs. After that he pulled me up by my hair and slapped me across my face. I fell back down and he kicked me again all over. After that he knelt down and stabbed me in the side." She broke down; unable to believe she had just told him all of that.

Finn had let a few tears escape his eyes. He couldn't help it, hearing he women cared about so much tell him exactly how she was raped. He rocked her in his arms and stroked her hair.

"I c-couldn't move, it hurt too badly. So I just laid there in the snow. I think I may have passed out for a little bit. Then I woke up and lay there for probably another two or three hours. When I heard the car driving by I tried to lift my hand but I couldn't. I must have moved a little though for you to see me. I was so glad when I saw you and Liv. I thought I was going to die Finn, I really did. Then when the paramedic took me into the bus I don't know why but I was really scared. I think it was just the way he ripped the blanket off and made you let me go made me feel like I was being raped again."

Finns heart broke when she said that. "I shouldn't have let him take you in the ambulance without me." He admitted. He was now holding her even tighter in his arms. She felt comfortable though, his embrace made her feel safe.

"It's fine. I'm here now." Amanda sighed. She was beginning to fall asleep in his arms.

"Let's get you in bed." He said as he easily lifter her up into a fireman's carry.

"You're strong."

"You're tiny."

"Yeah well this job has a habit to make you lose your appetite."

"It's the opposite affect for me." They both chuckled. Finn was glad that she laughed a little, even though it was short lived and likely forced. He carefully positioned her in bed and she pulled the covers over herself. "I'll take the couch" he said, turning to leave.

"Uh, Finn? Do you think you could lay with me?" She nervously asked.

"Of course I will." Finn smiled and crawled into bed next to her. She curled and against him and fell asleep on his chest, surrounded in his warm embrace.


	6. Shaken Up

**CHAPTER SIX!(:: Sorry it has taken so long to update. I've been super busy with the new school year. Oh! By the way, I am going to be starting a new Rollins fic in addiction to this one. I have already published the little teaser thingy. Check it out and tell me what you think! **

**Okay, so this is kind of a dramatic chapter. WARNING: Some parts may be hard to read. **

**Leave reviews and tell me what you'd like to see next! I will update fasttttteeeerrrrrrrr(;**

Finn awoke to the sound of quiet whimpering and sobbing. He looked over at Amanda and his heart broke at what he saw. She was curled into a ball on her side, shaking uncontrollably, and silent tears leaking out of her eyes. "No, no please don't!" She started whimpering. Finn realized that she was reliving her rape in a dream.

He sat up and gently grabber her shoulders, "Amanda, baby girl please wake up."

Amanda only started screaming and trying to free herself from his grasp.

Finn loosened his grip. "Amanda, it's me, I'm not going to hurt you. Please open your eyes." Finn said as calmly as he could.

Her eyes shot open. Her breathing was frantic. Her eyes were pouring tears but she wasn't making a sound.

"Amanda, it's okay. He's not here, it's just me." Finn comforted. "It was a dream baby doll."

"Really?" She looked up at him.

"Yep, no one's going to hurt you."

Finn lay back down next to her and allowed her to cuddle up against him. He stroked her hair and rubbed comforting circles in her back. "It's okay. He's not going to get you now."

"He knows where I live Finn, they still haven't caught him. The minute he finds out I told he will come to get me." She shook at the thought.

"Not if I have anything to do with it." Finn said firmly.

"Finn you can't be here all of the time. We both know that you're eventually going to have to leave." She sobbed.

"Look at me 'manda." He gently tilted her chin to him. "I'm not leaving you until this sicko is in jail."

"Okay." She cuddled closer to him.

Amanda woke up twice again that night with nightmares. Finn just did the same routine of holding her and rubbing small circles in her back.

In the morning, Amanda woke up and felt Finn's arms around her. She snuggled closer to him and let out a small groan as she moved. Finn's eyes shot open and he gasped when he saw her.

"Amanda you're bleeding!" He gasped.

"Oh dear lord." She started to cry when she saw the blood seeping through shoulder of her shirt.

Finn shot out of bed and got the first aid kit the doctor had given them. He walked back to Amanda and helped her sit up. He tried to move the collar of her shirt to the side so he had access to the wound but he could not.

"Sweetie, you need to take your shirt off." Finn said gingerly. He knew she was not going to be comfortable with that, but he had to stop the bleeding.

Amanda sighed and carefully lifted the shirt up and over her head. She was wearing a simple white sports bra. Finn pushed the strap off her shoulder so he could clean her wound. Amanda winced when the fabric touched the flesh just a little, so Finn could tell this wasn't going to be fun. He carefully helped her lie down on the opposite side.

"Just close your eyes." Finn said quietly. He could tell she was nervous. She wasn't talking and she was shaking uncontrollably. He carefully cleaned the wound with a rag drenched in the solution from the doctor. Amanda let out a hiss of pain and a small whimper. She recoiled at every touch. "Baby, I really need you to stay still." Finn said as sympathetically as he could.

"I'm s-s-sorry!" She whimpered. Her voice cracked as he moved to clean the center of the wound.

Finn decided to take a small pause to let her breath, "It's okay Amanda. Just calm down, breath." He laid a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"I'm sorry that I'm acting like this." She barely managed to say.

Finn could tell it wasn't just the pain that was causing her to break down; everything was starting to hit her. He knew she hated the fact that she had to be cared for. It was killing him to see her like this. That husky southern voice of hers, it was always so strong. He never though he would hear it like this, all high pitched, cracking, and vulnerable.

"You have nothing' to be sorry for. Let's just get this done, okay?"

She nodded and adjusted herself allowing him full access to her wounded right side. Finn took a deep breath and prepared to continue. He knew she was dreading it, and he hated the fact that he was inflicting pain on her. She had already been through more pain than any person should endure in a lifetime. Now she was lying in front of him, exposed and weak. She was squeezing her eyes shit and her blond bangs were falling over her face. Her knees were half drawn to her chest and she was trying to cover her exposed stomach with her arms.

Finn softly began to clean her wound again, trying to be a gentle as possible. Her breath was staggered, but she was managing much better.

"Alright, almost done. I just gotta put the cream on it. You're doing great." He comforted.

She took a deep breath and simply nodded. Finn gently rubbed the medicated cream on the outer edges of her wound and worked his way toward the more painful center. He knew she was in pain when she began to hold her breath.

"Breath, sweetheart." He instructed.

She let out a deep breath along with a whimper. Hot tears were rolling down her cheeks.

When he was done applying the medication, Finn tenderly placed the bandage on the wound. Next, he walked over to her dresser and got her a fresh shirt. He walked back to Amanda and helped her sit up. He helped her slip the shirt over her head. She gasped as his knuckles lightly ran over her breasts as he was bringing the shirt down to cover her abdomen.

"I'm sorry 'Manda, that wasn't-" Finn tried to calm her down.

"It's- it's fine I'm just shaken up." She said quietly. She began to get comfortable in her bed again.

"You still want me to lay with you?" Finn asked sympathetically.

"Please! Finn, I'm sorry! Please don't leave me alone!" She begged desperately.

Finns heart broke when she said that. "It's alright; I'm not going to leave you. I just want to make sure you're comfortable." He crawled back into bed and she instantly fell asleep against him. He knew he wasn't going to be able to sleep the rest of the night, not after what just happened. He needed to do something about her mental state. Tomorrow he was going to take her into the precinct for some professional help from George and possibly Liv.


	7. Getting Help

**Alright here's a new chapter! Sorry it took so long! I will be going on thanks giving break this week so I can most likely get a few in during that! I HOPE YOU LIKE IT!(: There is a mention of Elliot in this chapter, I realize what I say didn't actually happen in the show, but I thought it would fit well(: The more reviews, the fast I type :P. PLUS, I love any advice you guys have! **

Fin saw Amanda's eyes flutter open around nine-thirty AM.

"Hey" He mumbled quietly.

"You didn't sleep did you?" She asked, obviously feeling ashamed of what a mess she was that night.

"No. It's okay though, it's not your fault."

"Yes it is. I shouldn't be like this, I should be stronger. I hate that you have to stay here to take care of me, it's not right," She was practically crying by the time she was finished.

"Hey 'manda, I think it may be a good idea to take you to the precinct today." Fin said cautiously.

Amanda looked up at him with pure horror, "No, no they can't see me like this."

"It's okay sweetie, they know what happened. No one is going to judge you." Fin comforted. Amanda just shook her head and looked down.

"When are we going?" She stuttered.

"As soon as you are ready to." Fin said, laying a hand on her shoulder. Amanda walked in to her bathroom and got dressed. She came out in jeans, a NYPD hoodie, and her blond hair in a ponytail.

"Let's go" She said weakly. She looked up at him and her eyes were filled with tears. Fin stood up and wrapped his arm around her shoulders.

"I'm proud of you; I know you can do this." He reassured.

"W-who am I going to talk to?" She asked her voice cracking.

"George or Liv, your choice." He squeezed her shoulder.

"Can I talk to Liv? I don't really know George that well." Her voice was so shaky; he could tell she was nervous about telling anyone at work what happened.

"Of course you can baby doll. I don't want you to be nervous; everyone's got your back."

The drive was quiet, with the occasional shaky sigh from Amanda. Finn held her hand the entire way. When they were finally parked, Finn looked at Amanda. Her hands were in her lap shaking, and tears were streaming out her eyes. "Are you ready baby doll?" He asked, looking into her eyes.

"No, but I don't think I'll ever be. Let's go." She opened her door and slowly stood up. Fin walked around and tightly wrapped his arm around her. He knew that it was very important that she felt safe in order for her to open up to Liv. The walked into the building and the security guard let them go straight into the elevator.

Amanda noticed the sympathetic gesture and felt ashamed. "Does everyone know?" She asked quietly.

"No one knows exactly what happened, but all on duty uniforms and detectives were informed of your disappearance and how you were found." Finn said quietly, almost directly in to her ear. Amanda just groaned and nodded her head.

The elevator door opened and Fin guided Amanda into their victim room. Amanda sat down on the brown leather couch and sighed, looking up at Finn with teary eyes.

"Liv will be here in a minute. Do you want me to stay?" Fin asked, afraid she would panic if he left her.

"No it's fine. I know it's safe here." She gave him a forced half-smile.

Fin quietly left the room and Amanda sat still on the couch. She didn't know what to expect. She had talked to countless victims, but never a detective, and never herself…

Liv carefully opened and shut the door making sure no one could hear them. "Hey." She said gently.

"Hi Liv," Amanda said shamefully, "good to see you."

"Good to see you too. How are you holding up?"

"Okay, I guess, it's been kinda rough." Amanda shook her head.

Liv was shocked to see the state of her coworker. She looked like she hadn't eaten in days. Her eyes were red, puffy, and rimmed with tears. Amanda was always so put together, never letting her emotions get to her. Not she had been broken down, by that son of a bitch, Murphy. Liv sat down beside her on the couch, holding her hands.

"Did Murphy say anything while he was raping you?" Liv asked carefully.

Amanda froze for a second; she still hadn't gotten adjusted to the fact that she has actually been raped. "He just kept telling me that I deserved it, because of my gambling."

"Gambling?" Liv asked confused.

"Oh, Nick didn't tell you?" She looked up.

"Tell me what?" Liv asked cautiously.

"Um, well, ever since I got to the city, I've had a major gambling problem. I owed Murphy 20K, and he said that being raped was a way of paying it off. I Guess I kind of deserved it in a way." Amanda almost chuckled at what she thought was her own stupidity.

"Amanda, there is absolutely nothing you could have done to deserve this." Liv had said it so many times before, but it had never been more important than now.

Amanda chuckled a little bit. "I feel like I should know that, because I'm a detective, but I can't. And I should feel safe, because I have a gun, but I can't." She said weakly. She looked down at her shaky hands that were folded in her lap.

"Amanda, you have an entire precinct full of cops that will be here whenever you need us. I talked to Cragen, he said that you can have as much time off as you need. No one here is blaming you for this or judging you about anything." Liv said in that sympathetic tone she always used with victims.

"I just want to come back to work you know? I want to just act like none of this ever happened." Amanda shook.

Liv sighed, "Four years ago, in '08, I went undercover in Sealview, that women's prison."

Amanda looked up at the senior detective; she had heard bits and pieces of this story from Fin, but never what actually happened.

"I was taken to the basement by a security guard. He knocked me around a little, and he tried to put it in my mouth. I was lucky that Fin saved me in time, but Amanda, acting like it never happened didn't help me at all." Liv placed her hand on Amanda's.

"I'm just so scared that my life will never be back to normal again." A stray tear fell from Amanda's eyes.

"It will, but it's going to take time. But, you're on the right track. Just don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it." Liv smiled.

"What about the nightmares?" Amanda hesitated to ask, but she really needed to know how Liv coped.

Liv sighed and looked down. "They eventually went away. Um, that's actually how my old partner, Elliot, found out about my assault. He came over to my apartment and when he went to knock on the door he heard me scream. After he found out he stayed with me for a couple of nights, and they went away faster."

Amanda nodded and sighed. "I just feel bad keeping Finn from his normal life like I am now."

Olivia looked her dead in the eye. "Don't feel bad. I don't think I've ever seem Finn care about a partner as much as he does you. It's better for him to be with you. If he knew you were alone while this guy is still out, or if you were scared, it would kill him."

Amanda chuckled and showed a half smile, "Yeah, he's a nice partner to have."

Just then, Olivia's radio went off and she had to go. "I'm glad you're okay. Again, if you need anything at all, let me know." She smiled and walked out.

Finn came in and helped her up. They slowly walked out of the room and headed back towards the elevator. Captain came running up behind them.

"Hey cap." Amanda gave him a weak smile.

Cragen had only known Amanda for about a year. But she was already just as much of a daughter to him as Olivia was. It killed him to see her like this. He gave her a light hug, being mindful of any self-consciousness and injuries. He looked her dead in the eye, "I want you to take as much time off as you need. You two Finn." They both nodded in unison.

"I got 'er, cap" Finn reassuered, he felt like he was talking to one of his teenaged girlfriend's overprotective fathers.

"I wasn't worried." Captained nodded and walked away.


	8. Past Brought Back

**I updated! I'm so sorry it took so long! But I'm back on track. Major plot twist in this one! Review and tell me what you think! **

Fin parked the car in front of Amanda's apartment. He helped her up the stairs to her building, giving her a little more freedom at her request. They entered her apartment and he helped her sit down comfortably on the couch.

"So how'd it go?" Fin asked gently. He didn't want to say anything the ride back, he assumed she was still trying to take it all in.

"Good actually. Thanks for taking me Fin." She looked at him genuinely.

"No problem, let's watch some TV. You want anything to eat?" He asked.

"I think I have some girl scout cookies in the cupboard." She giggled.

"Oh, yeah!" He exclaimed.

They sat down with a box of Savannah Smilies and turned on the TV. The local news was reporting a story about a fake dish washer service company.

"Up next, a local man claims he was assaulted by a NYPD detective, and he's doing everything he can to track her down."

Amanda's heart sank. She knew in the back of her mind that it was about her. She assaulted him? He raped her god dammit!

Fin looked at her with concern, "Amanda you can't actually think that's about you. There's no wa-"

"I sure hope not" Amanda interrupted, too stressed out to listen to Fin's encouragement.

They sat through the longest two minute commercial break of Amanda's life.

"Hello New York! Welcome back to Channel 8 News at five!" The cheery reported screeched.

"We have a surprising accusation about a NYPD detective." The male repeater said with serious expression on his face.

The female started again, "Yes, a local man has claimed that an unknown detective has raped him! Here's Wanda Walker with the story."

"Thanks Matt. I'm here with Mr. Murphy at the Shell Gas Station off 56th. Mr. Murphy can you tell me what this detective did to you?"

Fin's jaw hit the floor. "Oh my god."

Tears started streaming down Amanda's face as she listened to the rest of the story.

"Amanda, calm down. We're gonna get this guy. I'm going to call captain, and he'll go down to the news station to get Murphy's phone-"

"NO!" Amanda screamed, violently standing up. She immediately regretted it as her leg out. Fin quickly caught her and guided her back down to the couch.

"Amanda we can catch this guy! You just have to let us do our job!" Fin said firmly.

Amanda's eyes filled with rage. "You don't understand. I CAN NOT have this getting out to the media."

"It's not going to give out. Amanda you should know, you're protected by the rape shield law!" Fin said, his voice getting louder.

"No Fin. I'd rather have this guy out on the street than to have to go through what I did in Atlanta again." She shivered at the thought.

"Wait, what? What happened in Atlanta?" Fin shot up.

"Shit." She said, not realizing that she had just revealed something she didn't mean to. She quickly got up and walked in to her bedroom, closing the door behind her. She assumed that he would get the hint and leave, but he didn't. He opened the door and sat her down on the bed gently.

"Amanda, you can tell me. What happened in Atlanta?" Fin said with as much compassion as possible.

She looked up at him bluntly, "The sergeant in my precinct raped me one night at the lieutenant's retirement party. He trapped me in a coat closet and raped me four times. I reported it the next day, and the day after that I was on the cover of every news paper in Atlanta."

Fin didn't know what to say. He just sat down and put his arm around her. She wasn't crying, instead there was a flame burning in her eyes. He could tell she never got the proper counseling, so her grief turned in to anger. "We're going to get this guy, and no one's going to know a damn thing."


End file.
